How can single men with HIV pursue fatherhood? While easier now, accessing surrogacy as a man living with HIV is challenging in Canada. This led R to look at international options without any advice or guidance. He shares the lessons he has learned.
“I want to be really honest with others who might be in a similar position as me so they can learn.”
I started the process of trying to become a biological father 13 years ago. The way I saw it, I had four barriers facing me right away. I am single. I am gay. I am older. I am living with HIV. But I had to try.
My journey started with basic fertility testing to make sure I could father a child. That part was easy. As a single gay man living with HIV who wanted a biological child, I was interested in surrogacy. But that option wasn’t available to me in Canada at the time. Health Canada prohibited it. So I worked all by myself without any support to see what was available to me in other countries. I found an agency in Europe that was willing to broker my international surrogacy agreement. She was trustworthy and hard-working. She worked with clinics all over the world and offered me hope that this would work. You can imagine how much this was going to cost. It didn’t matter, this was my best option.
I was connected to a fertility program on the other side of the world. I booked my ticket and was ready to go. But news broke about unethical multinational surrogacy practices within that country and the news went viral. The country made the obvious decision to clamped down on multinational surrogacy. I was discouraged, but the surrogacy broker in Europe reassured me, “We have other countries we can consider. You will get all your money back. We can start again”. She connected me to a new country, and I was ready. Again, I was faced with heartbreak. I had arrived in the country only to learn that the surrogacy process had been banned in that country and therefore cancelled by the clinic. I was only meant to be there for two weeks and I had to try and reverse the decision. I was physically in the country, the surrogate was still agreeable but the politics had changed. I was so devastated that I didn’t leave my hotel room for three days.
I came back to Canada. My money for the program was refunded to me again but my options were running out. Years had gone by at this point, and I was losing hope. My last option was to work with a broker in the United States. The agency I’d been working with for several years didn’t broker surrogacy within the United States, but they connected me with an American-based agency. Because it was a warm referral, I didn’t do any research. Something in my gut felt unsure right away but I didn’t hesitate. I started making the payments he needed. I sent so much money but it just seemed to drag on and on. Years were passing and I was spending my life savings. I was being scammed along with dozens of other people from around the world who just wanted to be parents. It seemed almost impossible to move ahead and keep trying but I will never give up.
I did find a clinic in the US that was willing to work with me directly. Using donor eggs, four viable embryos were created. This was an amazing milestone in my journey. And the good news, rules had started to change in Canada. I was able to find a surrogacy agency here that I could trust with the next step. Together we found a surrogate. We made three different attempts at embryo transfers. The first resulted in a miscarriage in the first trimester and the other two did not result in pregnancy. I’ve got one embryo left to try.
You might wonder how and why I can keep trying. Well to be honest, I am much more afraid now than I used to be. But I haven’t lost all of my optimism. It is still in there somewhere. I’ve been asked, what if it never happens? What then? My answer is always the same. “I am already a father. I am just waiting for my child to come into this world. I am childless even now and I am still fighting and I will continue to fight for my child until my very last breath.”
The past many years have been tough. Money has become more of an issue. I am hoping things are changing for me. Maybe this year I will be in a position to try one last time. I am scared and I hesitate but I need to try one last time. I worry about being older now and having less savings. I wonder, is it time to stop? But every time I tell myself enough is enough, I can’t do it, somebody up there sends me a sign.
I want to be really honest with others who might be in a similar position as me so they can learn. I am very exhausted and what happened to me in the US was traumatizing. I should have researched at every step. Do your research and trust your gut! If something is telling you it isn’t right, it probably isn’t. The process is emotionally draining and has so many highs and lows. Find support. We need to create more support for people looking to make families in this way. My journey started a long time ago. Health Canada not creating this barrier would have made things much different. But still, I don’t feel like doctors or people in the community know where the resources are for positive people looking to become parents. I had to find out everything on my own. That took time. So, find someone who can help you, including understanding the laws, the process, and the financial commitment.
I started the process of trying to become a biological father 13 years ago. I’ve been through it all. I am hoping the next chapter is right around the corner.