A long road
The path to parenthood can be long and doesn’t always end the way we plan. Sharing the twists and turns that have come with her hope to become a mother, F tells us about what she would like other women to learn from her experience.
The path to parenthood can be long and doesn’t always end the way we plan. Sharing the twists and turns that have come with her hope to become a mother, F tells us about what she would like other women to learn from her experience.
“I am still looking for the right support in all of this. I would love to talk to women who have gone through this journey whose lives have followed a similar path as mine.”
My story is about the problems I've had over the last decade trying to get pregnant. I've tried various ways to get pregnant and this journey has included support I found helpful but also many setbacks. In my community, when you get married, you start a family. And that is how my story begins. I didn’t get married until later in life, so I knew I shouldn’t waste any time getting pregnant. I wanted to see a fertility doctor to be sure. My HIV specialist has always been a great source of support. My HIV specialist was very supportive of my plan to become pregnant, and she said "Yes, I agree, you should see a fertility doctor. I'll make the appointment and support you however I can".
There were a lot of tests, and I was nervous when I started seeing the fertility doctor. After I had done the screening, the doctor told me, "Based on the tests, your egg quality is poor. This is partly linked to your age. There are options to help you conceive". This was the news I feared even while praying everything would be fine. I didn’t want to give up, so I continued seeing the fertility doctor. My husband wasn’t supportive of taking this path. He was open to having a family though. We were a serodiscordant couple and this was before the information on u=u. The recommendation was to consider home insemination. I never became pregnant before our relationship ended.
Time brought new love to my life. I remarried and my new husband was much more supportive. He agreed to go to the fertility doctor. Both of us had some fertility issues. As the fertility doctor sat with us, he explained “your best option is to go ahead with IVF”. IVF is still the elephant in the room. You cannot openly talk about it with friends. I talk about it more with family but even then, I don’t like talking about it very much. It’s hard to find support. I’ve thought deeply about this lack of formal support. It isn’t like the support I get at an ASO, where you can go and talk to a support worker. There is nobody to talk to when you are staring at IVF.
We started with insemination. But that wasn’t meant to be either. We were ready to try IVF. I felt so lucky when my pregnancy test came back positive after our first round of IVF. For the first few weeks everything was fine, but then when I was 7 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I was crushed but my desire to become a mother was stronger than my sadness. Since our first attempt had taken, I was hopeful that we would conceive again. Sadly, luck was not on our side.
Motherhood felt like it was getting farther and farther out of reach. Maybe it was time to give up? I had a supportive husband who I loved. I had a full life. I said to myself, “you don’t have to be a mother.” But I wasn’t ready to give up. We’ve seen many doctors, had many tests. We are told the same thing every time, “If you want to conceive, use donor eggs”.
I am not a mom, but I am still hopeful. This journey is not over. You might be asking yourself how I can still feel hopeful. I believe God has the final word. My faith keeps my hope alive. In my religion, donor eggs are not an option. Even if they were, it just doesn’t feel like the right option. Right now, we are trying some new things like acupuncture and herbs. I want a child, but if don’t become a mother, I am alright with that. I won’t be the first and I won’t be the last.
I am still looking for the right support in all of this. I would love to talk to women who have gone through this journey whose lives have followed a similar path as mine. I have started talking to other women through Facebook groups, and that helps, but it isn’t enough. I would also like to make sure other women know my story if it might help them. I personally wish I would have known more about fertility and aging when I was younger. I’ve learned that planning and keeping options open for yourself as a woman are important. I don’t feel like enough women think about preserving their fertility. When I think about my peers – other women in my communities – they don’t know about options like freezing eggs while you wait to find the right partner. If your story is like mine, when you arrive in a new country, find out about your HIV status, and are single, you may think all your chances at parenthood are gone. You feel stuck, but you don’t have to be. There are options. If you aren’t ready, if you are waiting for the right person, freeze your eggs. It is one thing I would have done. Learn about all your options and never give up. Only time will tell how my journey ends. While I've tried to stay positive and hope for the best, I've found this has been a long journey and it's had its ups and downs. It would have been easier if I had been able to connect more with ASOs and peers who could let me know their experiences. I would also have liked to have been able to find more readily available information for people living with HIV planning a family. I hope my long road might help someone else have an easier path.