When children choose you

I am a proud Métis woman. A proud Métis mother. In the Métis tradition, believe that children choose their parents, but are only borrowed from the Creator. I have been lent two beautiful souls to parent. I was 28 when my first child arrived. I had gone to school and done my travelling. I had been with my partner for 7 years. He had raised another child and he was a good father. We decided the timing was right to plan for a child. If I had to use one sentence to describe that process it would be “Very well thought out”. My second pregnancy was not planned. The chaotic realities of substance use had entered my world and as I battled that demon, I was also facing another scary reality. I was now HIV-positive. If that wasn’t enough, I had some other medical issues going on that made the pregnancy ‘high risk’. It all just felt very different.

The biggest difference between a planned and unplanned pregnancy was just being connected to the right supports. It takes a whole community to welcome a child. With my first pregnancy I was the leader. I needed less because of the calm in my life but either way, I just knew about the supports and what I needed to access. I made decisions that reflected my commitment to health for me and my baby. Pregnancy is hard on your body. I was in a place to find time to care for yourself. I stocked up on diapers and the things you need for a baby. The second time around, I was in total chaos. I was scared to be pregnant. I was terrified that someone would take my baby away as I’d lost my first child. I wanted to be undercover. This meant very little support. But doing this on your own doesn’t work. When I became pregnant the second time, I couldn’t see where I wanted to be in a year. Things were too cloudy in my mind as my mental health deteriorated.

I knew the system was going to be against me. But I also knew my power was stronger. I sold everything I owned and found treatment for my substance use. I found a safe option that took me in. They knew my whole story and they said “We accept you fully. We are here to make this happen. We believe in you”. It was my choice to give everything up and go there but that support was essential. I knew I needed to bring my kids into a calm, healthy environment. And I did! I was reunited with my older child and brought my new baby home with me. Finding the right support was the changing point for me and my kids.

The Creator has lent me these two beautiful children. I would never change that. But if I could, I would have taken the responsibility to prevent pregnancy until I was in a better place. I have forgiven myself for everything. I was in survival mode but I’ve had many moments of worry about how he has and will be affected by the state of my life when I became pregnant. I’m older and wiser now and I know I am a good mother regardless. My second child is such a mommy-kid, glued to my hip.

My HIV status, my history of substance use does not define me. I would never want any of that to have stood in my way. So, if you want to be a parent, find your path. But find the right support first. There are so many ways. Talk to people you trust about treatment, about harm reduction. Make the progress that is best for you. Then you will be so much better off to welcome a child. I have learned so much about motherhood from my sisters and friends about motherhood. We all need this type of support even after we have a child. But I am closest to Creator when I am alone. In those moments, I know everything will be okay.